"It Must be Winter in my Heart"

I have realized that I am very different than most other people. I know I know everyone is different and special and blah blah blah but I really am this ugly duckling. I especially noticed this tonight when I had a "talk" with my parents. Now lets clear this up, I didn't learn about the birds and the bees. They made sure I heard it as a kid so I could be ruined. But anyways, lets give some background. I had this lovely dinner with some very classy people who are fantastic company. The food was fantastic and the conversations were lively and happy. The only downside was it was held outside and it was freezing cold. I'm pretty sure my butt was frozen to the seat of the chair but hey, just go with it right? And not to mention that I am such a sissy little girl when it comes to the cold. It could be 60 degrees outside and if i'm not wearing long sleeves, i'll be cold. But besides all this, I really did have an awesome time. At the end, I went to see this fantastically amazing girl for as much time as I could get her to give me. All I really wanted to do was hold her and see how she was doing but her whole story is one for another time. I was able to squeeze an 11:15 ish curfew from my parents so I was hoping I would be able to spend a good amount of time with her but that wasn't in the plans for that night I guess. I know, i'm 18 and I have a super early curfew, I get that a lot. I'll go to party's and ill be the oldest one there and still have the earliest curfew. I love it. As I was cuddling this wonderful woman, I get a call from "home". These calls while I am out can never be good. I was informed that I needed to "talk" with my parents so I needed to come home at 9:45. Yeah. Probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me right? So I departed at about 9:30. When I came in and had this talk, it felt very familiar. Ever since my parents have realized im not going to be here much longer, they have really tightened down and been super worried about everything I do. They were worried about a bunch of things. Its all a little complicated but I have been shafted in these specific situations and they were worried about them and all this stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents with all of my heart. They are fantastic people and if I could every be half as good as they are, I would be set for life. But my whole family is like them. And i'm not. I'm the odd ball out. I've felt this way as of recent outside of my family as well. Its hard to relate with them. So when they were criticizing me on these specific situations, I just said, "Youre right, I need to do better. Im sorry." I really dont care what people think. I am lucky to be blessed with a knowledge and testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ which guides my actions and ultimately who I am. I feel like my outlook on so many things is so much different than everybody else. Im so much older than I can take sometimes. So many people are so opinionated. I am so different than this. I really cant get caught up on details. I have opinions but im open to a lot, im easy going, and I really just go with the flow. Im not focused on the destination, I am focused on the journey. Because of all of this, I make a good listener. Ever since grade school, ive been doctor phil to a ton of people. I've loved it. I really have. Helping other people solve problems and making them feel happy brings me the most happiness out of everything in the world. But its lonely sometimes. I am personal with all of these people, but none are personal with me if that makes any sense. No one has really been let inside the heart and brain of Taylor Dale Gunther. I guess no one has really wanted to be that person for me I guess. Sure, some come and go but i'm just a hotel. They have better places to be. There was one person I really thought who was going to be that person who was going to climb the walls and fill that part of me that was missing but she as others before left to never return. I'm naturally a happy person so ive blown all of this all of and it really has been fine. But tonight, im sick of it. I want to be able to let down my guard to a person. Ive been afraid of being vulnerable but I want to trust with who I really am. Maybe I know this marvelous person, maybe I dont. I hope that I know this special someone and that it will come soon but we'll see how it all plays out.  

Ok. That was a butt load of a ton of stuff that im almost positive doesnt make any sense. It's late and im super tired. Haha I am genuinely sorry about all of that. And I can never actually say what I want so that is all probably a jumbled mess. And to explain the title of this post, I love winter. A lot. It is way fun, happy, and carefree. Its just lonely sometimes. My heart has is thinking about this specific person but I guess we'll see how it all turns out.

Dont Worry, Be Happy :)